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Sleep with all the sheets off your bearing your mattress..

.. bearing your soul.

8/21/05 05:04 am - church

im finally going to church tomorrow after almost 3 months without going. weird. and then afterwords possibly lunch with della and brian. who knows. i cant get to sleep though. im burning hot and sick of dreaming these weird dreams.
last night i had a dream that i was hanging out with kim. i woke up and was so disappointed because it seemed so real. i miss that girl. definitely could use some of her pep right about now.
school starts on thurs. im not really dreading it or looking forward to it. it doesnt matter either way. shit im starving.
work sucked tonight, majorly. i miss working like 39493 hours because i only get about 2 days a week now and its hard getting use to being there if im never there. so whenever im there it seems to be really bad. does that make sense?
anyway i work saturday at 6 with anna and monday at 5, alone. that should be fun - not.
i just realized that i HATE being driven around. whenever people offer me rides and such i never accept because i hate the way other people drive. im not saying i drive better than them, i just feel more secure with my car driving my own ass. its just comforting to me.
still miss brazil. that wont change though.
my schedule is as follows:
1. Lit and Film - Smith
2. Statistics AP - Hinson
3. Spanish 4 - Prada
4. English 4 Honors - Thomas
5. Creative Writing - Jester
6. Clothing Design 2 - Jetton
7. Art 3 - Howard
8. Crafts 2 - O'Shea
Boom yeah and that's all from memory. After 12 years of school, you get this weird gift where you can memorize a schedule in about 5 minutes. Haha. I can't believe I only have one more year of public school left. Only one more year of something I've been doing my entire life. I mean, besides when I was 0-4, I've never not had school. I don't know what I'm going to do. Probably jump for giddy dorkish joy.
I definitely have to rent this Urban Legend: Bloody Mary movie. It looks stupid, probably is stupid and is a horror flick so yeah, gotta rent that stupid shit.
Time to get some sleep cause it's 5:12 AM and I'm going to be snoring in church!

8/18/05 10:21 pm - brazil

i feel like shooting myself in the head. not in a suicidal way but in a, im so depressed i just want to pretend that i would actually shoot myself in the head but i never would im just so depressed- way. i really just miss brazil more than anything. it sounds stupid to be so depressed over separation from a place but i am. i cant help it. i fell in love wtih brazil. i love every millimeter of recife, brazil and the souls we touched, the people we met. i miss raisa, roberta, clovis, johny, vera, roberto, everyone from forest hill that went.. i miss the precious moments of innocence and shit i miss sitting in church not understanding a word but knowing the thought put into it. people dismiss other people who they cant communicate with so easily. but if you could catch a glimpse into their souls like we did, you could see the selflessness there.
i miss that so much. i miss having carefree innocent fun with people i barely know that rearrange their whole lives for you so you can stay with them for 10 days and eat their food, inconveinience them and use their precious hot water. but they are so thankful to have you there. and to have a man that you forged a father-daughter relationship with to kiss me and Mo on the foreheads saying "You are like daughters to me. You are welcome any time, any time." It sounds so easy to say. but the only difference between that statement and similar ones, is that Roberto meant it.
and all the effort Vera put into communicating with us, singing with us in the mornings. the precious moment with lygia and the girls, porca doida and all our crazy words. fuca! i love brazil so much..
clovis and his phara-oh phara-oh's! and 'giiiiiiiideooooon!' and how much he did for us, his cell phone permanently attached to his had.
todds tudo bem song that we sang to vera and her daughters who laughed and soo thought we were crazy. and the breakfast table every morning and johny stroking my hair and kissing me, trying to learn english just to tell us he loves us.
the beach and football and hacky sack and weird demented baseball games with large bottle of guarana and moving bricks and lizards and coconut laxatives and kiko and the crazy driving, no lanes, ocean views, sharks on the beach, weird empanas walking with roberta on the beach while men in speedos were around us. muribeca and the love train and horns and lanterns.. every single bead we picked up, crayon passed out, "tia tia"'s we heard.. the mall and little erica and my expensive thai food and the view from old recife and the tapioca and olinda... stray dogs, stray litter of cats, video store, spiderman 2, sweet home alabama, underworld.. hammocks and reading... being sick from pizza, bad sprite, lots of coke, water smells funny, ramen noodles, blessing, morning devotions, praying out loud, too much dave matthews, porn houses, robbi's concert, nasty pork on a stick, lizard shadows, mud, seis e meia, showering at night, electric shock, cut on my finger, stranded at church, beth and felipes house, watching weird concerts on tv, bono, annalise.... i miss brazil more than i miss anything in the entire world. i cant imagine being away from there another second and the worst part is, i know theres far too many days between today and my next visit.
brazil will always have a chunk of my heart and i know it has more of my heart than cleveland or new york ever will. im meant to be in brazil. theres no doubt about it. and i cant wait until the day where i fall in love with someone in brazil and spend the rest of my life there serving god and being happy in complete bliiiiissss

7/21/05 03:24 am - ergah

i .. hate... those people who believe in evolution. why? because they lack the quality of being sane.

7/10/05 03:33 am - i haaaaaaate bush!

i hate bush.. sorry but i really doo.. he is the reason why london got bombed, he's the reason why my two favorite boys in the whole wide world are risking their lives for this iraq shit... i hate this.. two of my best friends are MARINES.. what the almighty fuck is going on!!?? i mean yeah, paul, duh that was expected but now CHRIS? i am freaking out... and as usual i insulted chris a lot just like i did with the bailey thing because thats my way of showing him i care.. insulting.. poor kid... but still..
i dont want him to go to war i dont want him to die or do "demolition" or w/e the hell he called it.. i love them too much to lose them.
i cant lose any more friends. there has been to many deaths, suicides, drop outs and so much more in these past three years to last a lifetime and i sure as hell cant say goodbye to them..
"give me a kiss before i leave for boot camp"
what the hell? WHO SAYS THAT?? its like.. "hey.. yeah im training to KILL people and possibly be KILLED, kiss me because i could be our last time seeing each other"
ok i worry too much but i love them too much to lose them and im freaking outttt
dont comment cause i feel like a stupid girl

7/3/05 02:50 am - the happy teaspoon

haha tonight was fun.. i went to Regal for the first time in a century and saw war of the worlds with rayyychuulll and had fun going to borders and being gay cd listeners, mudslide buyers, typing on the fun keyboards, flipping through books about karate and animals (especially reptiles).. haha and the movie was very goood and we had fun especially at jersey mikes where i deconstructed my sub.. it was quite scary. the movie freaked me out tho... i wanted to cover my eyes so bad but being on the first row.. that would make me seem like... well gayer than normal i suppose. but rach is one cool pal! haha.

by the way i just took a meganame quiz thingy and here are my results: (Rach, youll appreciate the name of my 'punk rock band': the happy teaspoon!)

Ellen Elizabeth Milani's Aliases

Your movie star name: Pickles Richard

Your fashion designer name is Ellen Rome

Your socialite name is Buntking New York

Your fly girl / guy name is E Mil

Your detective name is Lobster South Meck

Your barfly name is Cookies Lambrusco

Your soap opera name is Elizabeth Southwick

Your rock star name is Pixie Sticks Life

Your star wars name is Ellnin Milnon

Your punk rock band name is The Happy Teaspoon

The Amazing Meganame Generator

6/26/05 01:19 am - Julius, Really?

got the video back from the wedding! it was perfect.. and the song rachel and natalie sang was soo good i didnt really get that good of a chance to hear it during the wedding cause i was.. well.. crying the whole time haha but i finally found the lyrics.. but the wedding was so pretty and so many tiny insignificant things that you didn't think you'd remember kind of jump out at you when you look back.. like when we were takin pictures and sitting on the steps going up to the stage and we were suppose to look at carey who was sitting in the pews and she was singing.. it was on the film and it was neat to see that..
ah i also watched the birdcage. funniest movie ever you should check it out. did not do much at alll todayyy so yeah im a lazy ass..
i only made like 47 bucks on this paycheck.. i normally make 180.. yeah.. thats why its good not to have 80 million hostesses so im getting a job babysitting..
julius came over to watch some of the wedding tape with me and he didn't honestly show one bit of emotion during the whole thing except he laughed a couple of times.. i swear when he watches movies or anything he just stares.. it's weird and creepy.
and the title of this post has to do with what Adriano said in his speech to carey and julius that i watched on the tape.. he said whenever you say something to julius, julius always goes, "Really?"

well see ya round the waterhole

lyrics to the song:

So Are You To Me Lyrics

As the music at the banquet
As the wine before the meal
As the firelight in the night
So are you to me

As the ruby in the setting
As the fruit upon the tree
As the wind blows over the plains
So are you to me

As the wind blows over the plains
So are you to me
So are you to me

6/22/05 09:52 pm - Hmm...

I did not much at all today. I really gotta start going to sleep earlier. I was going to go to the Y but I didn't. But I found a way to work two jobs. The little girl I use to babysit wants me to come back and babysit her everyday and go hang out at the pool wtih her. So there you go.
A new job... Check
Summer Tan from the Pool ... Check
More MONEY .. check
nights free unless im at Hickory Tavern ... check
seems pretty damn easy
plus i dont get taxes taken out for babysitting.
carey and jules came by and brought us presents... they got me this prettty necklace and they got the same one for rachel.. its pretty.. welll they also brought pictures on a disc but our computers messed up so we couldnt really see them so i think im about to get on the laptop to look at them... catch ya lovas lata

6/21/05 11:27 pm - fine-nuh-lee

Guess who came back from their 10 day long honeymoon today?!? JULIUS AND CAREY! They came back all tanned and pretty and beachy lookin.. haha they had a blast and I missed them bunches.. we met the Conti's and Mario at the airport than all 9 of us (carey, jules, rach, mario, adriano, jan, my mother and father and myself) went to Luisa's Pizzeria and it was really good.
im just so... happy for them. they get to return to an apartment literally FULL of wedding presents. which is exciting. they are seriously the perfect couple.. just watching them at dinner and how they interact and stuff is so sweet and they aren't fake or pretentious and they can have so much fun doing whatever. i really think they will be married forever and ever and in heaven you'll see them walking down the street beating each other up lovingly lol

then after jules and carey left our house i watched the yankees game.. they came back from a 10-2 lead by tampa bay and they won it 20-11!!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE AMAZZING YEP TRULY haha.. well chris is sending me sexual text messages so im going to go cause i need... concetration in dealing with guys that just dont give up.

6/20/05 10:58 pm - G G G G UNIT

Work tonight was extremely boring. Spent most of the night playing hangman with Kelly and Kristy. Came home to watch the Yankees game. They lost but JUST barely ahh! And the Indians lost to the Red Sox :-( I hate the Red Sox. And I hate the fans more than the team. Especially the people who are suddenly fans because of this world series shit.. Wow they won after 90 years almost.. whoop de do... 1918.. 2004.. 2090? haha i saw that at a Yankees game...
well im going to stop venting cause it's not helping my hatred. well tomorrow my brother and carey are coming back from their honeymoon! IM SO EXCITED i missed julius sooo much which is really really weird... im so excited to go surfing with him this summer..
well im going to go find something to do.
much love babes

6/15/05 01:18 am - For he's a jolly good fellow..

I'm in a very... contemplative mood. I guess that's what you could call it. Well I'm happy the Yankees won. 9-0, Mussina kicked ass for the first time in a long time. I had a long talk with Paul tonight and he did a good job of scaring me shitless..
He told me that he was ... attracted to me. Which is weird because he's like.. my brother. So I mentioned that I didn't get that vibe from him which pissed him off.. I don't know it's weird.
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